Archive for the ‘crimes against poutine’ Category

Gravy Fail

November 18, 2009

I’ve consumed some questionable gravy in the course of this project, but if this showed up in front of me, I’d send it back. And I never send food back.

What. In the. FUCK.

via @fourstringfuror


The crappiest poutine in Toronto?

November 9, 2009

Shredded mozzarella swimming in dark brown sauce? Yeah, that looks pretty bad.


Via @AvelVeeta, located somewhere near Massey Hall.

New York Fries: humility fail

September 28, 2009

nyfpoutvia Matt Brett’s photostream

You can buy hotdogs and poutine at New York Fries. “I think we are actually responsible for putting poutine on the map in Canada,” [New York Fries president Jay] Gould said.

There’s no way that can be true. Poutine is pretty popular, and the crap New York Fries is churning out at a food court near you is wretchedly awful. I’ve tried it a bunch of times at different locations, and it’s horrible everywhere. If it was the only poutine I’d ever had, I’d probably write off the dish completely. It’s so bad I don’t want to have to choke it down again to write an actual review. Gravy — no matter how tar-like — should never be dispensed from a pump, you guys.

Via Saturday’s Telegraph Journal

Talking to Americans

September 4, 2009

Canadians are too hard on Americans most of the time. It’s not their fault their media and education system gaze inward to the near exclusion of any other culture. In that context it’s fathomable that Canada might use a 20-hour metric clock or that VCRs were illegal here until 2000. Plus, they tend not to sit around watching Canadian television the way most of us sit around watching American television, so obviously they won’t come to know much about their reticent wallflower neighbour to the north.

However. Never, ever, ever let an American tell you how to make poutine, or these are the sort of instructions you’ll get. Things involving squishy mozzarella…

You MUST buy the soft mozzarella that comes in a square block and is squishy when you squeeze it. White cheddar cheese curd is the usual poutine cheese but is expensive and difficult to find. There is almost NO taste difference when substituting soft mozzarella.

…and a microwave.

Heat in the microwave for 30 seconds. Even though the fries and gravy are already hot, they aren’t going to be hot enough to quicky melt the cheese to the proper consistency for poutine. You must give it a quick microwaving.